Patriot Bands

What To Do When You’re Waiting For Some Bro To Text You Back

Every betch knows the near-crippling anxiety attack brought on when someone (9/10 times a bro) takes more than like, 30 seconds to text you back. We’re calling this condition Text Lag Anxiety (TLA), for obvious reasons. Text Lag Anxiety can be fatal—as in, it might cause you to literally die if you don’t hear back from Mike soon. But don’t speed dial your doctor just yet. There is hope. With our simple steps you can manage your TLA and keep your addiction to pill-popping at bay.

  • 1. Turn Your Phone Volume All the Way Up

    If you’re one of the betches who keeps her phone on vibrate all the time, only to obsessively check her phone because you “totally felt it vibrate,” you might want to try turning up your volume. It’s easy to fall victim to the phantom vibrate, not as easy to imagine your text tone going off super loud. Once you stop lying to yourself and accept that Jake or whoever did not actually text you, you can get back to being a functional human.

  • 2. Turn Your Phone Off

    And then go hide it somewhere. The solution is two-fold: again, you won’t be checking your texts every 45 seconds, and once he does text back, you won’t have to stare at the minutes on the clock ticking away ever-so-slowly as you count down the requisite number of time before you can text back without seeming like a Stage 5 Clinger. Give it at least an hour before you turn your phone back on again. If you still haven’t gotten a text, your guy probably sucks. Also you saved some battery.

  • 3. Watch SVU

    The episodes are an hour long and what better way to forget about the douche that’s ghosting on you than getting lost in Amaro’s eyes? That’s right, nothing. And before someone says it, yes Stabler was great in the beginning but by the end of his tenure, all he did was get into a physical altercation with a suspect, blatantly disobey the captains orders, and put the case and everyone's jobs in jeopardy. Lather, rinse, repeat. That shit got real old, real fast, and no I do not miss him.

  • 4. Go to the Gym

    Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don’t care about who’s not blowing up their phone.

  • 5. Consult The Group Text

    At times like these, you need your friends to console you with totally implausible reasons as to why your texts have gone unanswered. Maybe his phone is broken. Maybe he just didn’t get the text. Maybe he left his phone in his car and then he got car-jacked. Yeah, and maybe there really is cheese on the moon. Like drinking a mimosa on Sunday morning, this is a quick fix that only prolongs the inevitable, but do what you gotta do. Extra bonus: nothing will make you want to throw your phone out the window more than nonstop notifications of “You know what will help distract you? Dinner.” “How about tacos?” “I had tacos last week.” “Italian?” “Eh.” “I’m like not that hungry,” etc.

If all else fails, go ahead and pop that Xanax.

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