2. But is it a Revisited, which means that you have to watch 48 minutes before you see anything new?
IF SO THEN KEVIN MCCLOUD YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.
3. The programme opens with an interview with people who either have more money than sense or more sense than money.
They say: “We’ve always dreamed of building our own house.”
4. The house they are building? It’s either a hole in the ground or a giant pile of rot.
5. They are project-managing the whole thing themselves – but don’t worry, they’re totally qualified.
7. WOW. WOW. WOW. WOW. WOW.
Your mother (watching the episode with you): “Wow, CGI is so realistic these days.”
8. They’ve remortgaged everything. How much money can they go over their budget by?
That’s a bit worrying.
9. “To save money we’re going to live in this small caravan with our four children until the house is built.”
“We plan to move in on 31 December 2004. And not a day later.”
10. Kevin ponders whether the build is too ambitious / not risky enough / unsuitable for the local area.
“I think the build is too ambitious / not risky enough / unsuitable for the local area.”
11. ADVERT BREAK! B&Q and Homebase ads follow.
12. Then the construction begins! “We’re building an ecological home…”
CONCRETE CONCRETE ADD MORE CONCRETE I LOVE CONCRETE.
15. Kevin gets worried.
“They’ve discovered rot / the materials cost way more than originally planned.”
20. And they didn’t find that whole bit of the build difficult.
22. “So I’m going to explain how it can be solved with some props I’ve found in a nearby bin.”
24. And now it’s only 10 minutes until the end of the episode, and the house still looks like this.
You’re like, “OH CRAP I’VE WASTED AN HOUR.”
26. THE HOUSE IS FINISHED.
They’ve even mowed the lawn. Well done them.
27. What then follows is a series of incredibly pretentious arty-farty camera angles purposely designed so you go…
28. Or the house looks so grim you say to your mother…
“I’m not sure whether I could ever see myself living there.”
30. They look awkward, and then blurt out…
“It’s only 362,182 times our original budget!”
32. Kevin walks slowly towards the camera with his hands in his pockets, coming out with a story about how the house represents something meaningful.
He then says his final thought.
34. And then you see this.
NO I’M NOT A MILLIONAIRE STOP REMINDING ME.