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An Open Letter From Miley Cyrus’ Sledgehammer

1. Dear world,

2. It’s me, the sledgehammer in Miley Cyrus’ new video for “Wrecking Ball.”

Via Vevo

3. Yes, the one she licks.

4. Yes, multiple times.

5. You’ve probably heard a lot of talk about how tongue-to-sledgehammer action is “odd” or a “desperate plea for attention.”

Via Vevo

6. But I’m here to tell you that our love is real. What Miley and I have together is a beautiful thing.

Via Vevo

7. Unfortunately, there are people out there who will say “Maybe you shouldn’t lick a sledgehammer.”

Via Vevo

8. Those people are wrong.

Via Vevo

9. There’s nothing weird or obscene about getting intimate with a sledgehammer.

Via Vevo

10. Miley and I do all kinds of things together like completing important construction projects.

11. And snuggling on piles of rubble.

Via Vevo

Shhhhh she’s sleeping.

12. She’s even teaching me how to twerk.

13. I’m basically Miley’s closest companion. She asks me for advice and we just understand each other.

Via Vevo

14. That outfit she wore for the VMAs was all my idea.

Eric Thayer / Reuters

15. Arguably, I’m the luckiest sledgehammer in the world.

Via Vevo

16. Most sledgehammers get carried around by gruff construction workers who would never even remotely consider licking them.

And yeah, most of those construction workers have never even had a song make it into the Billboard Hot 100.

17. Do I wish Miley would consider wearing a hard hat in construction areas? Yes, of course, safety first. but she’s such a free spirit.

Via Vevo

18. Do I wish she hadn’t shared this exceptionally private moment between us with the public? Yes, but what’s done is done. She’s very open with our love.

19. Miley has been huge in advancing sledgehammer representation in popular culture.

Via Vevo

20. No one has done more for increasing the visibility of sledgehammers in pop music since Peter Gabriel.

Via Tumblr

21. She’s a hero in the sledgehammer community.

Via Vevo

22. Miley is just doing what everyone wishes they could do. Who hasn’t wished they could ride a wrecking ball around in the nude?

Via Vevo

23. Oh, no one? Well, that was a bad example.

24. And to the haters out there, you’re just jealous. How many times have you been licked by Miley Cyrus? Probably zero. I mean, there’s maybe like a 5 percent chance that you have, but that’s still pretty low.

Via Vevo

25. Miley’s new video is just a reflection of what happens when a woman and a sledgehammer love each other very much.

26. Sincerely,

27. Lil’ Sledge-Sledge

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