Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s DOA.
1. Your first job won’t be your dream job.2. When you have the nicest apartment in your group of friends, you’ll always be the one hosting.3. Having lunch with your ex will definitely upset your current significant other.4. Thanksgiving isn’t always as perfect as it’s supposed to be. When in doubt, just serve grilled cheese.5. Your independence is more important than the financial security of a husband.6. Don’t kiss your boss on a job interview. Or ever.7. “It’s not that common, it doesn’t happen to every guy, and it is a big deal.”8. It’s fine to spend Friday nights in your pajamas playing board games.
9. When in doubt, order pizza for dinner (or if you’re feeling extra hungry, “the Joey Special”).10. And a foosball table is a perfectly good substitute for a kitchen table.11. Condoms are only 97% effective.12. Trust your instincts.13. Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean they’re necessarily right for you.14. But your lobster is probably out there somewhere.15. Once a friend, always a friend.16. Unless you’re over them, in which case, phasing them out is the best way to get rid of them.17. A chick and a duck are not good pets to keep in city apartments. Neither is a monkey.18. You’re never too old to dress up for Halloween.
19. It’s important to show your friends support, even if it means buying every newspaper in the city to protect them from a bad review.20. You’ll go on a million awkward dates, and might even end up on a blind date with an ex by accident.21. You’ll do regrettable things with your hair, and there will be photographic evidence.22. Getting older isn’t the end of the world — you don’t need to get drunk to survive each birthday.23. If you work hard and stay persistent, you’ll end up with a career that makes you happy.24. Don’t be insecure about your significant other’s work life — jealousy ruins relationships.25. Most of your money will go toward rent.26. And your apartment probably won’t be rent controlled.27. Don’t be above taking odd jobs to make ends meet, like catering for your mom or playing a famous actor’s extra.28. Once you hit your twenties, you don’t have the luxury of relying on your parents as much as you used to.
29. Your friends might date people that you don’t actually like.30. And your friends won’t always like your significant other, either.31. There’s an art to using a public laundromat.32. Don’t be shy to tell your friends if you can’t afford to do stuff with them.33. It’s OK to drink mimosas with breakfast when you’re on vacation. And on Saturdays. And basically whenever you want.34. Be honest and communicate what you want to your significant other.35. Don’t feel pressured into getting married too young. Or ever.
36. But if you do get married, don’t worry — you can have as many do-overs as you want.37. You can’t run away to avoid your problems, they might follow you all the way to Yemen.38. You shouldn’t steal your best friend’s significant other, and if you do, be prepared to sit in a box and think about what you did.39. If you date sometime decades older than you, you’ll eventually have to address how you want different things out of life.40. NEVER bet your apartment. Especially if it’s rent controlled. 41. Making a pro and con list is a really easy way to hurt someone.42. You can’t always trust who you meet on the internet.43. Being good at poker is not gender-specific.
44. Quitting the gym isn’t easy.45. It’s good to know what you want, but don’t overstress about the future. You don’t always need a “plan.” 46. Enlist help when building furniture, and make sure you get the measurements right.47. Building (and hanging out in) forts isn’t just for kids.48. Searching for an apartment is awful. Always.49. Take advantage of free, delicious food when it’s just sitting on your doorstep.50. Telling the truth will set you free.51. It turns out your siblings aren’t so bad, after all.
52. Wearing leather pants can be a slippery slope.53. Spray tans might seem like a good idea, but they rarely look good.54. You should go to your high school and college reunions, if not just for the laughs.55. And staying in touch with childhood friends could also result in career opportunities.56. Unagi isn’t just a kind of fish — it’s “a state of total awareness.”57. Self-defense is a skill worth learning.58. Making friends with your barista comes in handy.59. Take care of yourself when you get sick instead of denying it.60. Shark porn isn’t a thing.
61. Some hobbies are better left in your college years, like playing the synth keyboard.62. Just because you want something, you shouldn’t take out loans and spend a bunch of money you don’t have to get it.63. It’s OK to have lazy days with your friends.64. Most of your childhood fantasies were lies.65. Be nice to your old, cranky neighbors. They’ll die someday and you’ll feel bad.66. It’s a good idea to have a fake alias, just in case you don’t want someone to know who you really are.
67. Don’t agree to model or pose for something unless you know exactly what it’s for.68. PIVOT when you have to carry your new couch all the way upstairs.69. There are seven basic erogenous zones. Use them all.70. You shouldn’t borrow clothes from a friend without asking first.71. When you make a holiday dish for the first time, make sure you check the recipe.72. Your friends are the family you choose for yourself.